Today is two months since Kaidyn was born. Unbelievably my heart is still beating, the sun is still shining and the world is still running as planned. I could have sworn that all would stop when this happened to me. I still love, I still laugh, I still cry, I still hurt, I still work, and I still function. But when will I feel like im whole again. I have come to grips with the fact I don't get to hold my baby and his room is now an office instead of a baby's room. But why is it that every time I open the door to go in there I still get an image of the way I wanted his room sat up. I still awake from a dead sleep to a crying baby and when I get up to go check on him…reality hits. When will this stop? When will this pain ease? When will the anger pass? When? I hear other moms going out at night without their babies or complaining about the lack of sleep due to midnight feedings or complaining about the stress from the dirty diapers or toys strung through the house. What I would do to walk across my living room and trip over a baby's toy. Or to put a thing of diapers in my cart before I leave Wal-Mart. I just want to climb back into my body and quit watching me live my life. I want to live it, I want to feel like "that was a real smile" or "a real laugh" I just want things to feel real again. I don't like this distance I feel from everything. I just want to be me. I just want to go 5 mins without seeing a baby or a pregnant woman. I just want 5 mins to go by that the pain of losing my baby doesn't cross my mind. I just want this jealously and greed to go away, and me actually be excited to see a little baby instead of thinking why you? Why not me? I hate thinking that. But as soon as this blog is submitted and I wipe away my tears and this moment passes I will go back to acting like im fine…I should get a Grammy for this role I have been playing for the past 2 months. This Sunday will be so hard for me…all the moms showing off their new babies at church, putting them in the cute little outfits and congratulating them on being a new mom. But will anyone remember that I'm a mom, because there is no dressing Kaidyn up or getting to show him off. all I get to do for mothers day is put a flower on his little grave. I can't wait for this holiday to be over. I just can't wait till I can feel my heart beat, the heat of the sun that still seems to shine and live in this world that seems to still run. Maybe three months, four or five but I don't see it happening anytime soon. I just miss those little curls and those tiny toes. I just miss Kaidyn. 
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